The Time Has Come...

And now that's it's come, I'm not sure how to react. We've been waiting for them to get a divorce, and now that it's actually happening, I'm not sure what to say. It doesn't seem like it's going to happen...

I wish my sisters were here.

:):

Guess who passed her Driver's Ed test? :) I'm really relieved, and now the hardest part is over! In a week and a half I take my driving portion and then when I pass I'll just have to wait until August 26, and then I get my Operator's.

That's the good news. The bad news...

Tonight my mom is going through her "rules of the road". I asked her if we're going over them with dad there too, and she replied with "No...your father thinks my rules are too strict." After she said this, I couldn't help but to think, "Yeah, I wonder why that is." Basically, all I'm allowed to do is drive. No radio that's loud. Using my phone at all is against the rules. And then she has obvious rules that anyone would know, but of course she's going to emphasize those points the most, because I don't even get her trust in the first place...
And because of her, I won't be able do anything out of the house today. She won't tell me what time we're talking or when she's taking me driving today. So thanks to her I'll have yet another night ruined.

But I'm not going to let her kill my mood. I'm so relieved that I passed.

This Is It

Tomorrow I can either earn my permit or fail my written test of Driver's Ed. I'm really scared, and the pressure she's putting on me isn't helping. Will I ever feel ready to drive?

I wish I wasn't such a perfectionist. Is it too late to make New Years resolutions? I want to learn how to just go with the flow, instead of bracing myself for the worst in situations.


Dear Jesus,
Pray for me. I need Your help tomorrow to pass. I don't know how much more stress I can handle right now. It's summertime, so why am I finding myself worrying more than I did during the school year? Please watch over me...I need it right now. Also, please bless Scott. Tonight was ruined with just one phone call, but him comforting me did lighten things. Thank you for bringing us to each other. I know I'm weary to show You how greatful I am, but understand when I tell you...he's the best thing I've come across.
Amen

I don't know what's gotten into me these past few nights. I wish I could just enjoy the present, and not even think about the future.

I guess I'm just trying to brace myself for what's going to happen...in the future. But why do I have to worry so much? It's ruining the present time, I wish I could just live it. But something's stopping me, and I can't figure out what.

I wish I could just fast foward. Wish I could go to the time after college. Skip stupid Driver's Ed that's stressing me out way more than it should. Past junior and senior year without him. Past college. Past all the fights. I wish, God I just wish...

The Future, It's Haunting

I've been so vulnerable lately. Ever since the graduation, I've felt...different. It's just now starting to sink in that Scott leaves in a few months.

I'm scared to death.
You really have no idea.

I'm not scared for the reasons people assume though. I'm not scared that we'll break up or grow apart. Not at all, that's beside the point.
I'm scared to figure out life without him.
And I'll just leave it that. These past few nights I haven't been able to bottle up my emotions. So with that, we cried. Together.
We're so vulnerable.

I'm Not Sorry

No, I'm not. How can you expect me to be?

I wish every day could be as good as today.

Sleepless in Sewer Falls

I can't sleep, I think my stomach is slowly deteriorating. Actually I'm almost certain. Every move I make lying in bed sends me in winces. So I guess I'll just stay still in the fetal position with a heat pad numbing the pain away.

Today was a weird day. Bad weird, so sorry if this post sounds morbid.

Random question that I've been trying to answer today, what would you do if you found out one of your best friends has an eating disorder? Don't tell me to have her "talk to a counselor"...get real they can't do anything. And don't tell me "talk to her parents" either, because that's out of the question. I don't know, I'm at a loss.

It's almost midnight. The first day of semester tests are tomorrow. I can't sleep, although crying also numbs some of the pain away temporarily.

Summer is so close, I can almost taste it...

This post is really scattered tonight. What the hell. Sorry.

I'm going to a picnic tomorrow! That I'm excited for. What else am I excited for? Not having to work for two weeks :) Which means I have Driver's Ed starting next week. At least it's only wasting five days of my life, right?

I need to try and sleep. "Try" being the key word.

Hasta la pasta!

I Need Directions, I'm Lost...

I'm trying to understand which direction you're coming from, what thoughts are racing through your mind. But you don't give me the
space, let alone the time. It's making me tougher, I can see it already. But oh how I wish you would just let me, be me.

Dear Summer

I want you and all of the courageous carelessness you bring. I need a break, from everything.